This is me. Sometimes ok but also sometimes lost, in the #overwhelmed #anxieties of daily life.
*This is my story of being in a very low place recently. I share it with you to let you know its ok to not be ok and that by taking baby steps towards a more mindful approach you will feel stronger. Listen to what you need, give your self time and do whats right for you *
A few Months ago, I went to hear a yoga master talk about health and the body, one of the things he said that really struck home with me is the way we are programmed to absorb. From a young age we are taught to memorise. From academic criteria to social situations, our minds acts like the perfect sponge taking in our surroundings. This is how we learn, we connect. As time goes by our minds get fuller and the older we get the more we hold. However, if we are constantly filling and absorbing, what happens when we reach capacity and overload??This was the yoga masters theory:
“Without teaching ourselves (and our children) to disconnect we create unhealthy habits which could affect our psychological wellbeing.”
Its like a lightbulb went off, I don’t look after my mind. I diet, exercise occasionally…but my mind…I like to take the avoid-it, lock-it-in-a-box approach. Tell me do you ever take time to ‘disconnect’?? I hardly ever do and if I do it isn’t 100% focused time.
Therefore, its no shock to me that at times it gets too much. I call it ‘overwhelmed’, but there are many different names that explain it. For me it doesn’t matter the name, its a feeling of failure, feeling of loss, its the control that gone. Usually sparked by something small, that just tips me into the overwhelmed, something of nothing that stacks on top of the rest. It sits on my mind like a tun of bricks. Weighing it down.
Every step of every single day feels like I am dragging myself, from one thing to the next. Without disconnecting, I was merely overloading!
There were triggers, the change in the weather, a stressful few weeks of settling Tommy in school. On top of that I found social media very hard to see. This may sound cowedly to some but it was baby loss awareness week and world mental health awareness day, two things that mean a lot to me. However, I felt unable to process not only the amazingly brave posts I was seeing, but the feelings it arose and the memories it conjured paralysed me with fear. I suddenly felt like a coward unable to cope when so many people are. The fear was overwhelming.
Its always the case. Without the control my emotions run riot in my brain. Its honestly like that film ‘Inside out’… anger sweeps through me and out my mouth one minute, followed by sadness, as tears from my eyes the next. This was last week. Thats where I was, why I hid, why I couldn’t talk. It was too much.
Nonetheless, in this post I don’t want to dwell on those feelings and I don’t want to drag you down if your reading this. Its lasted three weeks and I finally feel like day by day I am getting stronger. More ‘me’ again. Which is good. I can talk now, hold a conversations and for the first time type. However, going forward I want to share what I have learnt here and in future posts, so that I remember for next time. As well as to help others too.
Because lets face it, being a mum who retains information means… overloading is inevitable… but disconnecting must be achievable.
Which is now something I want to try and focus on. So the first time, with a lot of persuasion I sought help to try and get ‘me’ back. I decided to speak to a counsellor to talk through the overwhelm, to dive into the depths of the hurt and try and de-fuzz these feelings. Therapy isn’t quite what I expected but its a step. I talked, probably a jumbled up mess of a conversation but someone listened and gave me supportive advice. I came away reflective. Like I had taken the first baby step in a new direction. I would definitely recommend therapy. Yet I am unsure if is delving into my past the path right for me. Its good to talk and to discuss possible causes for behaviour but really will this provide me with the strength to go forward.
I need tactics that I can put into my everyday to get me through without completely loosing it.
Small things that help me focus and disconnect from the negative. Ive tried hypnotherapy for other reasons in my past and it worked, perhaps this is the route I should explore now. Maybe it depends on you as a person, what your personality can tolerates in the term of therapy. I need tactics, hard concrete direction to guide me into reaching my goals, which hypnotherapy may do. I will look into it and let you know.
Finally, thats it for now, the explanation to my silence. The story behind my eyes and the reason I couldn’t speak to you that morning. It was s***, I hid and took time to let it play out. If there is one thing I have learnt its that the more I try and keep going, the worse it gets. Therefore, stopping, recognising and most importantly realising is the only way…. maybe its how my mind heals. Its the way it has learnt to disconnect. Not the best approach, but one I can build on with the help of some form of therapy.
I want this more than ever, not just for me but for my children. To role model and strive for a stronger mental attitude and to support them in theirs.
Thank you for your continual love and support and everything will be ok again soon.
“Tomorrow is always a fresh”