*Inspired and prompted by reading Fearne Cottons ‘Happy’ book. The relief, joy and freedom this activity has given me is empowering (and slightly scary to share).
There is SO much I want to thank you for but first, I want to say sorry. Sorry for all the abuse and emotional torment I have put you through in the past. I spent so many years criticising you I forgot to love you.
My teenage self thought you weren’t good enough to be seen. I compared you to tv stars and school friends too much. I didn’t know your worth. I am ashamed of the way I treated you, abused you, punished you and shamed you some more. The tears I made you cry and the anger I shared was not your fault. I had not learnt that the names we were called and the looks we were given was someone else’s opinion, but it wasn’t be ours.
I should have shown you more self-worth, fought for our self-esteem and valued you more. I am sorry.
My twenty year old self punished you for the weight I’d gained through extreme food restriction and exercise. I barely fed you for months on end and made you reach exhaustion through exercise most days. I know now there is more to our relationship than just weight loss. I am sorry I didn’t realise this sooner.
Then we lost our daring Christopher and our relationship was strained and detached.
I am sorry than I blamed you, for not being strong enough to keep him safe.
I know you tried your hardest and it was out of our control. I was young and scared. Being in that amount of pain, inside and out, with the end result being devastating made me turn my back on you even further. I am sorry I wasn’t there to support you, in the way you cared for me. You kept me warm while I sobbed and you kept me going when I refused to eat! I am sorry I didn’t realise at the time, it something we need to work on. I promise to try to heal with you. I know your sorry, I am sorry too.
I am sorry for the heart ache, the break ups and sorrow I put you through. The late nights, drinking and way too much food. I didn’t know Craig would come into my life, I didn’t know security, love and this life was within our reach. I guess I didn’t feel deserving.
I am sorry body for spending all that time criticising when I should have been praising. You give me energy, life and love which allow me to live these wonderful memories, feel these incredible highs and live in the moment with those I care for.
From now on I vow to respect and change.
I want to thank you more, love you more and praise you more. So here they are the much needed Thank You’s…
Most importantly I thank you for my carrying babies. For protecting them through the struggles, cooperating with the professionals and most importantly keeping them safe in there long enough to fully develop so they can survive in this big wide world. Its truly AMAZING and magical what you did. I know you tried your hardest and felt the heartache I felt when each hurdle was thrown at us along the way. I wish I had trusted you more. In the future I will try harder if we are ever given the opportunity again. Furthermore, I thank you for working together with me to get our babies out safely.
Its remarkable how you grew life, how you created something half me have the man I love and made them a person all of their own.
I am thankful for every little moment I get with them. Every mark on my body that reminds me I carried them. Every wakeful night that they keep me up. I feel so lucky and proud of what we did. Thank you.
Thank you also that we were able to breast feed both my babies. I never new it at the time but this tiny act of feeding would actually help start to heal the wounds of before. When Tommy arrived I never planned on feeding him myself, but you knew how much I need to. Its like you guided me forward. Still grieving from before and so thankful for my Tommy. Breastfeeding helped heal parts of me, bond me and keep me living in the moment. Thank you body, its like you just knew.
Than again when Emme was born, I valued your guidance and it boggles my mind how magical breast milk really is! Not just nutritionally, but emotionally for us both too. Thank you for producing this!
I feel like when Emme was born was big turning point in our relationship.
Its when we started working together, for the first time, in sync. Thank you, even after everything you still provide me with so much and I am grateful.
Finally, thank you for moving to the music I love, running when I feel energetic and stretching when we feel the need. For allowing me to enjoy the yummy foods we love and for helping me limit the amount we consume (it gets easier each year, with your help).
Thank you for allowing me to feel the laughter, the hugs, the touch. Smell my favourite scents, see the sun shining and feel the warmth of my loved ones.
I value you body, lets work together body and yes I do love you body.
Jessica Anne xXx
* I would highly recommend Fearne Cottons book ‘Happy’ (this is not an AD) and would love to hear if you have found this activity helpful too.. comment below… have you ever written a letter to yourself?