Today’s the day of reflection, planning and dreaming of the year ahead. Usually I reflect on my family, reminiscing over our memories (don’t worry a vlog is in the process for this), focusing little on the deeper thoughts of my mind. My happiness stemming from others. My children’s smile and my love for them. However, this year feels different. This year has been a happy one. Full of love, positivity and peace.
For the first time in a long time I am content, happier than I dared dream and for the first time since 2010. I’ve embraced the new with an encouraging mind-set. I feel ready to begin to reflect on more than the year just gone. Perhaps that’s my mission for the year ahead… learn to continue to care for myself. Without sounding big headed or silly. Upon reflection, it’s never something I’ve done.
I am happiest being a Mummy. Delved deep into my Mummyhood lifestyle, never pursuing the new, never looking back for fear. I told myself I was content, happy and ok with the now and again melt downs, that usually happened hidden, crumpled on the floor, out of sight of others, for fear of discussing the past. Upon reflection though these ‘episodes’ have been few and far between this year. Definitely, not visible in the past six months. I still have moments of feeling down but I don’t let myself crumple. The feeling of being the only one who can truly stop the darkness entrapping me, was a realisation earlier in the year. I was setting the negative trend and following it for fear of living something new. I’d hide away on the dark days, snuggle my little ones tighter and be cross at myself for feeling so down when I have so much to be grateful for.
I began to understand, listen and grow more mentally. Developing time for myself and giving myself the love it so desperately needed. Now I don’t want to put a shadow on the years gone by. I am forever blessed to have experienced some incredible memories with my loved ones. From births to weddings and graduations the past four years have been a whirlwind of dreams. Which is why I felt so ungrateful to feel lost when left alone in my own space and mind-set. All my dreams had come true and I couldn’t find ‘me’.
Furthermore, as 2017 progressed from spring to summer. I began to open up to the world. Through the medium of blogging and vlogging it forced me to think. Think about myself as a business. A brand. How did I want myself, my family and our story to be portrayed? The answer to this was easy. Truthfully! Whole heartedly, ups as well as the downs, truthfully.
I wasn’t aware of it to begin with, and it’s taken me a year to realise. But this was the best gift I could have given my inner self. I feel like its breathing for the first time in a long time. I feel like I am ‘me’ again. A different ‘me’ to five years ago. A different ‘me’ to how I envisioned. But that good, more positive and enriching than I could have imagined.
Therefore, I am starting 2018 with the mind-set to always support my inner self. Never shut her away and embrace, listen and support myself above all. For happiness isn’t just an outer shell for others to see. It’s something that runs deep through me, warming my hands with love and nurturing my heart with care. Accepting that loss will come, humanity will happen and growth will be displayed in not only myself but for my most precious loved ones. Attempting to worry less about the inevitable and live for ‘me’ for ‘them and for ‘us.
Finally, I am following suit on my reflection, with the beginning of kindness towards ‘myself’. In the form of ‘physical appearance’. A controlling factor in my mind-set. A dragging down force to my self-esteem and one of my biggest battles that I face daily. As you know I do weekly Weight Watcher updates over on my Youtube channel. Updating you all on my weight and progress. For many, this may seem absurd to be so self-critical on our amazing Mummy bodies, that grew life and nurtured our young. You may think it’s silly to be ‘obsessed’ with dieting. Especially, as January approaches and societies ‘must lose weight’ addiction is forced at every angle. Newspapers, DVDs, social media and the television do an amazing job at convincing us all that this is the ‘normality within our post-Christmas society’. This time last year I was sucked, hood-line-and-sinker into this (dare I say) ‘con’!
I wholly anticipated the crash that spring would bring. I never, for a split seconded dared dreamed that I would be writing these words…This year I lost 3 stone! 3 stone! I shake my head in disbelief that caving to the pester-power of Januarys craze.. had resulted in working. Does that mean it’s not a ‘con’… No, I still believe that unless other influencing factors were in place I’d have caved. Like before. It was the running and exercise which helped push my body. It was my positivity which shifted my mid-set. As well as, my strength, which controls my willpower and addiction to eat. Together, I found the will to change physically. Creating confidence to accept myself, the power to release my emotions into a more cared for environment and the need to listen.
So, here it is a true reflection on my body image. To inspire and motivate, if that’s what you need. To approach the reality of life’s changes positively. But, most importantly to accept and guide you, to accept ‘you’, as we grow, evolve and produce life from our amazing bodies. What’s the point in looking back and wishing an appearance gone by, without time and change you’ d never have the memories of life. Which for me, as I am guessing it is for you, is everything. So, this January, my greatest goal and wish for you is to be kind to your inner self. Accept, grow, care for each line, dimple and ‘squidgy part’, strive for your health, not for the past and look up with positivity towards 2018 with improved love for ‘you’.
Below is a true reflection of myself as I have changed, grown and become the person I am today… and I couldn’t be prouder, happier and more ‘in-love’ with ‘me’.
Disclamer: All Photos at Christmas time. I have chosen the images that I feel not only reflect my body but also my mood at that time in my life. Showing the highs and lows of life. From my teenage years, pregnancy and beyond.
(2006- I never loved myself as a teenager, always feel alone, always felt FAT!)
(2007- Eating my Emotions!)
(2008- I don’t have many photos of me- I turned to Hypnotherapy for help)
(2009- Newly in Love with Life)
(2010- Hiding our loss and pain behind our smile)
(2011- Filling the void )
(2012- Pregnant with Tommy on bedrest)
(2013- I had everything I ever wanted but I felt huge here!)
(2014- On a mission to loss weight before our wedding)
(2015-Pregnant with Emme and avoiding the camera again!)
(2016- I joined Weight Watchers the day after Christmas)
(2017- Finally in love and accepting ‘me’)
Note to self: The weight you put on over Christmas isn’t important. You made memories, laughed, loved and ate!! I control my weight.. it does not control me!